So since I have been a SAHM for all of 3 days now, I’ve decided it’s time to declutter everything! I gutted the house as much as I could in a day and had a garage sale at which I actually managed to sell some of my junk…I mean, awesome goods, some of which are still available. Wink wink. Nudge nudge. I cleaned the house top to bottom, wall to wall. I won’t begin to describe how badly that needed to be done since we had become the house of viral plague the last 3 weeks! Now tonight it is time to gut the blog. I cut out half of the craziness, cleaned up the background, and made it overall much simpler. Thoughts? Write me a comment or 2 just so I know it’s all working…because it would be typical for me that in gutting/cleaning/simplifying things I managed to screw it all up!
Ever feel like you just can’t win? That people are out to burst every bubble you’ve got? I definitely got that going on lately. The beginning of May is always hard for me and this year is no different. I take things personally that I normally wouldn’t. I am doubly sensitive and can’t take a joke. I sinfully tend to assume the worst of people’s intentions. I am hoping that by letting it out, the funk will dissipate.
I hate, and I mean to use the strong word “hate”, feeling like this. I know that I’m overly sensitive. I don’t blame myself for that…I sadly blame my dad. He’s not here so he’s the safest one to blame 😉 He kind of ruined the end of April/beginning of May for me. Sadness and feeling just “blah” rule my May days until something gives. I about bit the head off of two friends today for the smallest of things. Sigh…I don’t like this at all.
This year I’m pretty sure there’s something more in the mix. In just two weeks I will be done teaching for an unknown amount of time. I’m going to stay at home (gulp!) with LL full time. I know in my heart I want nothing more than to be here with her. I fully believe at this point that home is where God is leading me. But here’s the sad part…the secret I’ve been harboring—I don’t really like teaching anymore. Honestly I never thought it would be like that. I LOVED teaching for 8 years. I loved the challenges & the triumphs, the students, and even their parents! But…somehow I’ve lost that. I almost feel like I am grieving the loss of my love of teaching. Ok, when I actually read that I realize how truly melodramatic it may seem but it’s true. I am sad that I don’t love teaching anymore. I’m going to miss my ECC staff more than words can express. I have the world’s most amazing boss and coworkers who are good friends. Some of them have seen the good, bad, and ugly over the last 3 May’s and have stuck by my side no matter what. I will miss seeing them so much. But what I miss the most already is the drive and inspiring love of teaching that I used to have. I really hope I get it back some day.
So I’m going to make a list. Yup, hubs, another list. 🙂 It’s a list of what I loved about teaching. Focus on the good times and what I will cherish from my first round of teaching in my life.
- Easily and hands down most important to me: I was blessed to share the love of Jesus openly with my students for 8 straight years.
- Seeing the “aha” moments so many times. That split second moment when something new clicks for a student.
- Getting to know my students deep down. They let me in on their sacred secrets and trusted me wholeheartedly. That one I’ll miss for sure.
- Hugs…lots and lots of hugs. Somehow as much as I knew when my little ones needed hugs, they knew even more when I needed them.
- Assessments…you don’t believe me, do you? But yup, I love ’em. I loved seeing where a student started and how far I was able to help them go. Yes, assessments made me see the challenges, sometimes HUGE challenges that were ahead of us, but then the reward was so much sweeter when they met their goals.
- Support and love from the BEST of coworkers and colleagues in both schools where I taught. I wouldn’t have survived without them.
- Routine and structure…yes, I’m anal retentive and will probably create a weekly schedule for LL and me. School gave me a way to hold myself accountable. I have this much work to accomplish in X amount of hours and days…LOVED that.
- God was able to knock me down and build me right back up through these 8 years. With every difficult student situation and every time I couldn’t do more…He made me realize it wasn’t ever about me. He provided the grace to cover my mistakes…the times I couldn’t get through to that certain student, the times I couldn’t take them out of the horrible home lives, the times I simply wasn’t what they needed. God’s grace is all sufficient.
This list helped me realize something: I do love teaching. I will miss teaching. And that’s okay. God has blessed me beyond measure through these 8 years as a teacher. He’s taught me far more than I could ever teach a child. I am going to miss it. And oddly, that’s really good to know.
Yet I am still sad. I’m sad that Laura will never know her Papi. He’s not here to hold her hands. He’s not here to laugh with her. He’s not here to adore her. He’s not here to love her. He’s not here to watch her grow in God’s grace & goodness. He’s not here to see me be a mommy.