It’s amazing how many times peace is right in front of my face and I still look everywhere else for it…
I’ve been overwhelmed with stormy thoughts lately. The fear and sorrow of the last 3 years–from dealing with the dark hole that was PPD to suffering through the absolute heartbreak of two miscarriages–have finally reached their peak. Throughout this pregnancy I’ve faced those demons and lies in small doses–from worrying about missing my ever important supplements just once to having to struggle to even get out baby clothes, a crib, and the other essentials for little man. There have been times where it’s felt completely terrifying to actually believe that I am still pregnant with him.
Surely by now something had to have gone wrong… Don’t get out the clothes, he probably won’t make it anyway… Even if you make it to a healthy birth, you’ll probably lose your mind again… You aren’t even close to being able to handle another child… Fear after fear wells up in my heart and overtakes my mind. Each night I lie awake for two to three hours wanting nothing more than to turn off my mind and just feel peace. Instead more often than not, I feel helpless, paralyzed in fear, and exhausted from the battle in my heart.
I wasn’t even aware of what was truly at the core of this never-ceasing fear until last night. It finally clicked. Every struggle and heartache from the past 3 years came crashing over me. I went into a full blown panic attack. I fear losing my baby boy or ending up with crushing PPD again. When I reach down deep, those are the lies I find buried in my heart. Satan is a wicked one for certain. He knows just where to hit me…he knows my weakest point.
But…there is Peace. There is Truth. There is Hope.
Tonight during our Bible story time with L, we read about Jesus calming the storm. There it is. Right in front of me–Jesus. I don’t know if it’s how this particular children’s Bible writer wrote the story, but I was holding back tears. The big storms, the ones that overwhelm and overtake. The ones that keep me awake at night. The sadness. The fear. They are too much for even the seasoned sufferer to bear alone.
But there He is with His strength and peace. He simply says, “Hush.” With one word He can not only calm my daily fears but has secured a place of ever-lasting, unimaginable peace. With one word He points me toward Himself. He intimately knows what plagues my heart. He knows the weak points and there in those times, He shows His incomprehensible strength. He knows how I try to find peace here. How I struggle to keep it all in my control. And He simply says, “Hush.”
My absolute favorite verse in all of scripture is John 16:33 where Jesus says, “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Through the rest of this pregnancy and after we meet our son, I am sure I will struggle to keep my heart focused on Jesus and the eternal peace He won for me . But I am even more sure that I have His grace covers each of those wavering steps.